“I am grateful to Christ Jesus our Lord, who has strengthened me because He judged me
faithful, putting me into the ministry, although I was formerly a blasphemer, a persecutor,
and an insolent man….This is a faithful saying and worthy of all acceptance, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners, of whom I am the chief [or first]” (I Timothy 1:12,15).
Once I was asked: “Why should I say that I’m the ‘first of sinners’ in the prayer before Communion? I’m not the first. I know many people who are worse than I.”
I told the communicant that it’s a direct quote from St. Paul who felt that way about himself, and I wasn’t sure he was ready to put himself in the class of the Apostle. I understood, however, his quandary. We live in a feel-good nation. In my schooldays Norman Vincent Peale wrote a best seller now being reissued: The Power of Positive Thinking. His successor, Robert Schuler, who can be seen on TV, writes such follow-ups as Self Esteem. Humility is not the first among Christian virtues. Schoolchildren are shocked to learn the truth that they are far behind in basic learning skills—they’ve been taught to think highly of themselves.
St. Paul is not writing about high regard nor humility, but about grace. He uses his own experience as proof of God’s forgiveness and love. Everybody can experience the same, if they open themselves to Christ’s gospel message. He is thankful to Christ.
He never failed to recall the experience on the road to Damascus, when he was on the way to seek permission to persecute Christians. He despised Jesus Christ, yet the Lord loved Paul and brought him to his senses by confronting him with grace and love. Paul didn’t choose to serve the Lord Jesus; Jesus chose him. The icon of Christ in our seminary has the scroll: “You have not chosen me, but I have chosen you.” It’s a powerful feeling to know that you have been selected by the Lord for a special purpose, and your life takes on its ultimate meaning from that awareness.
St. Paul always knew that he had the power to do whatever his mission would be. He was an old man with physical ailments. He didn’t see well. But he felt that he had all the equipment needed to proclaim the gospel of Christ. He once wrote: “a thorn in the flesh was given to me….I pleaded with the Lord three times that it might depart from me, and He said: ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness’” (II Corinthians 12:7).
The apostle knew as well that Jesus judged him to be faithful. He forgave St. Paul his sins against the Church. Forgiveness means reconciling a separation. It binds together two who were estranged. Many say wrongly: “I can forgive, but I cannot forget,” meaning they really didn’t forgive. Jesus not only forgave St. Paul, wiping the slate of his past sins clean—He trusted him. Whatever would happen in his lifetime left on earth, he was certain that the Lord was with him. When you repent and confess your sins, they no longer exist. You then should have the same overwhelming feeling of bliss and confidence that St. Paul took through death and into God’s Kingdom.